At the beginning of this course, I was apprehensive. It had been over a year since I had last set foot in a classroom, and even longer since I had possessed the brainpower to effectively express myself through writing. My trepidation masked itself as indifference; fear hid behind a guise of distraction. If I act like I don’t care, I told myself, no one will know I’m afraid. Looking back, I don’t think this was true. Years ago, writing had been one of my primary forms of self expression. I found it easy to externalize what I understood of my inner workings through prose, and it allowed me to connect with my peers in ways that unprepared speech could not. Along my journey, though, this means of communication became less effective – as Michael Franti & Spearhead once penned, “It seems like everywhere I go / The more I see, the less I know.” My confidence in my knowledge had hit a record low.

That’s without even mentioning just how embarrassing it is to be a grown adult who feels so nervous about the idea of just writing.

It was, of course, a struggle to work up to being more outspoken in classroom discussions. The first step is always the hardest, and rejoining any sort of intellectual discourse is quite a big step. I dreaded the possibility of being misunderstood, of my mind and my mouth not meeting in the middle and causing my thoughts to come out jumbled. I was pleasantly surprised, however, that my contributions to discussions were seen as valuable and often understood far better than I could have ever imagined! I owe this to my peers, their great discussions and their willingness to include me in them even when I couldn't quite get a handle of my thoughts. I was given patience and respect, even when I felt stupid for what I was saying, and this served as positive reinforcement that allowed me to get more confident in my writing again.

Throughout the semester I’ve often struggled with deadlines, as despite my efforts I often haven’t been able to gather my thoughts in a timely manner. This has improved over the weeks, as using my “writing muscles” so to speak has loosened the rust built up around them. Writing is a skill that must be practiced consistently to keep, and completing assignments has given me that consistency in spades.

In my prompt responses from week seven, I wrote that “Every day I prove to myself that I’m capable, that I do deserve to be here even if I doubt myself. I’m proving my dad’s statement that I’d “never be ready for college” wrong, and that feels great. The road has been a bit rocky, but I’m figuring it out as I go.“, and I stand by that. Every week I grow further, and I'm proud of myself for how I'm growing -- even if it's not at the same rate as many I know. In my reflection on our presentations, I wrote that ”To me, finding my voice is still a form of self-actualization and acceptance, partially in the sense of not filtering myself out of fear of how others perceive me.“ I'd say that by this definition, I've made great strides in finding my voice throughout the semester. I've started filtering myself less, as well as speaking with less fear of how I'm perceived -- I've recognized that I have little control over how people will react to me, and it matters more that I'm true to myself than whether or not I'm pleasing everyone around me.

Not much has changed in the actual structure and construction of my writing, which I do still believe needs work. I'm unsure if my style of writing is “formal” enough for academic settings, as my work has always been better suited to fiction and poetry. Once when I was in high school, I received feedback on an essay that compared my writing to “a poet pretending to be an essayist” -- I'd have to agree! Creative writing is far more enjoyable for me than analytical or persuasive writing, and I'm hoping to explore that further next semester. I feel I’ll truly be able to flex my writing muscles when I apply my skills to more creative forms of writing.